Filtered Conversations

We recently got one of those water jugs that filters water from the tap into clean water for drinking. We drink a lot of water in our house. In fact, besides our morning coffee, we hardly drink anything but water throughout the day. We therefore need to refill the jug very often.

I love to drink ice-cold water. I find it most refreshing, especially in our tropical climate. Naturally, however, at the rate we refill the jug, the water is rarely left in the fridge long enough to get crisp and cold. Each time we refill the pitcher, the water from the tap slowly trickles in and any bit of cold liquid left behind is rendered completely lukewarm. It really isn’t a problem… but, as I said, I like my water cold.  I therefore find myself holding off on refilling the jug, even if there isn’t much water left, so that the remaining cold water can be enjoyed later.

My husband, on the other hand, refills the jug at every opportunity. Even if the jug was halfway full of ice-cold water, he would top it up after he poured his glass. I have often reached for a crisp quenching shortly after he was done and had to settle for a tepid glass of disappointment. The water may have been lukewarm, but, over time, it started to boil my blood.  

“Why is he constantly refilling the jug?” I would ask myself, becoming increasingly irritated. “Doesn’t he think I want to have cold water too?”. I would grumble to myself each time I felt for a cold glass of water, only to find that the only thing frigid was my disposition.

One day, while pouring a drink from the recently filled jug, I asked him, “Why do you refill the water so often?”

“Because I want to be sure that you always have enough clean water to drink” came his reply. His answer brought an immediate end to my impending tirade. He wasn’t being inconsiderate. In fact, I was in the forefront of his mind each time he refilled that jug.

Just like the water dripping through that filter, I ran his simple action of refilling the jug through the filter of my own perception, thoughts and bias. This resulted in misunderstanding and disappointment.

The moment I asked the question and listened to his answer, something shifted.

Disappointment was replaced with gratitude.
Assumption was replaced with understanding.
Complaint was replaced with connection.

How many times do we allow this to happen?

We run the words, actions, and even silence of someone else through the filter of our assumptions, misconceptions and expectations without asking to hear their side of the story. What we are then left with is tepid disappointment, boiling emotions and ice-cold tension.

But, what if there was another way?

What if we set aside the proud conviction that our interpretation of a situation is correct, and humbly sought clarification?

What if we gave others the benefit of the doubt instead of doubting their intentions?

What if we ran our own thoughts through the filters of compassion, understanding and acceptance before allowing them to flood our minds with waves of negativity and judgment?

What if we listened – truly listened – to the perspectives of others?

Well, we may find that communication is a bridge to understanding.

We may find that a different perspective brings clarity.

We may find that reaching for connection is far more soul-quenching than jumping to conclusions ever will be.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in no way suggesting that we ought to suppress our honest feelings and hold back from sharing openly with the people in our lives. But there is a big difference between passing our thoughts through the filters of kindness, understanding and love and sifting the words and actions of others through the filters of our own negative bias.

Let’s become aware of how we perceive our interactions with others. It may be time to change the filter.