The art of saying ‘No’

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”

– Paul Coelho

It is so easy to find ourselves inundated in a world of ‘too much’. By saying ‘yes’ to offers, opportunities and obligations that come our way, we quickly become overwhelmed, overburdened and offset.

Why we say ‘yes’

There are so many reasons why we agree to do things that we wouldn’t otherwise choose to do. Some reasons are laudable. Sometimes we are met with a genuine desire to help and to make ourselves useful. Being able to give of our time and our talents in order to lift a burden brings blessings both in ways that we may never expect and in ways that we may never know. 

There are other times, however, when our reasons are far more complicated. There are times when we feel like we have no choice. We may feel as though declining an invitation may strain a relationship. We may feel as though turning down a matter will leave a client exposed. We may feel as though ‘no’ is not an option because we have always said ‘yes’.  

The truth, however, is that we always have a choice. By saying ‘yes’ to anything, we are inherently saying ‘no’ to something. The more we commit ourselves to, the less we can pour ourselves into what really matters to us.

Dealing with guilt

There was a time when the only person I said ‘no’ to was myself. If I’m honest, I did this without even realizing that I was telling myself ‘no’. 

The profound guilt that would overtake me if I considered declining a request was relentless. I would often spend hours mulling over excuses that I knew I would never be brave enough to make. I recognize now that I had a tremendous fear of disappointing others, especially the people closest to me. Confronting that fear has been the first step to peace. 

I entered the workforce with the belief that one must never refuse work. I can see now the danger that accompanies that belief, not just to one’s sense of balance, but to one’s overall health and well-being.  Even now, when I turn a client down, I wonder to myself whether I am being unreasonable. Surely one more matter won’t hurt. History has taught me that there will always be one more matter. There will always be one more invitation. There will always be one more need. There is always something vying for our time and attention. 

I have found that the key is to set intention. When we clearly define to ourselves what is important to us and how we want to spend our time, saying ‘no’ becomes almost tangible. 

The freedom that comes with ‘no’

By saying ‘no’ we create margin. Margin is the space in our lives, in our schedules and in our homes where we are simply allowed to be. Without margin, our lives resemble a never-ending checklist. Without margin, our calendars tell us that there are not enough hours in the day nor enough life in our years. Without margin, there can be no stillness and peace. There can be no space to lose ourselves in the moment. There can be no opportunity to be.

Saying ‘no’ gives us the ability to pursue things that really matter to us. It allows us to experience things that we could never have anticipated but for a few moments of stillness. It allows us to take a step back and to observe life hurriedly buzzing all around us. It allows us to walk where we may never have dared to before. It is surprising where a few steps on a new path can lead you. 

Ironically, the greatest freedom that comes with saying ‘no’ is the ability to say ‘yes’. ‘Yes’ to precious moments with loved ones. ‘Yes’ to spontaneity and passion. ‘Yes’ to life.