The Responsibility Equation

I had an epiphany the other day.

Over the last few years, I have made it a point to evaluate the beliefs that I held on the issue of personal boundaries. These were deep rooted beliefs that I have had for a very long time.

The funny thing about our beliefs is that, many times, we aren’t even aware that we have them. We see them not as concepts that can be challenged, but as indisputable facts of life. Facts that we think we have proven to ourselves over and over.

My beliefs about personal boundaries were no exception.

I used to believe that it was rude to say no to a request that was being made of me.

I used to think that I had to agree to do things that I really didn’t want to do in order to avoid disappointing others.

I used to believe that I had to do anything and everything that was expected of me.

I used to believe that boundaries were selfish.

These beliefs translated into a deeply rooted sense of obligation to others. These beliefs shaped the expectations that I placed upon myself- and the expectations that I allowed others to place upon me. These beliefs had me convinced that I had a greater responsibility to other people than I did to myself and to the things that truly mattered to me.

The end result was that, for many years, I felt depleted, stretched thin and completely powerless in my own life. And, here was the ultimate belief: I thought that this was just the way things were.

It has taken many years, but I now know that these beliefs are completely inaccurate and have in fact served to limit the way in which I show up in my own life and in the lives of those that I love. One by one, I have challenged these beliefs and, for the most part, I have been able to erect those much-needed boundaries in every area of my life.

Boundaries that protect my schedule and support the vision that I have for my life.

Boundaries that instill peace of mind.

Boundaries that ensure that I have the time and space required to tend to the things that matter most to me.

Erecting those boundaries is one thing. Enforcing them is an entirely different matter.

The other day, I found myself in a position where I agreed to do something that I really didn’t want to do. This wasn’t a slight inconvenience – this was a commitment of time and energy that I didn’t have toward something that I had no interest whatsoever in doing. Notwithstanding this, however, that old familiar feeling of obligation crept in. The idea that I was expected to say yes took root. Somehow, I found myself feeling responsible for this person and for the request being made of me.

Instead of firmly, but kindly, enforcing the boundary that I had created in this regard, I said yes. What was supposed to be a matter of quick assistance has since turned into a complicated and drawn-out experience.

As I thought earlier this week about what had prompted me to say yes to this person in the first place, I realised a few things:

I felt as though I had an obligation to agree to anything this person asked of me.

I felt as though it was expected that I would accommodate any request that was made.

In short, I felt as though it was my responsibility to do something that I knew I would otherwise have had no intention of doing, simply because of who this person was.

As I studied these thoughts and the feelings behind them, I realised just how inaccurate they were. I also realised the potential danger that they posed to my personal boundary system.

I may have felt obligated to this person, but the truth is, I wasn’t. I had the power to either agree to assist or to respectfully decline.  The only obligation that I had in this scenario was to be honest about what I could and could not manage to do at the time given my resources.

I may have felt as though I was expected to say yes, but the truth is, I wasn’t. I had the power to clearly define for myself the boundaries within which I would operate. The only expectation in this case was the expectation that I had placed upon myself that I couldn’t say no.

I may have felt responsible to this person. But the truth is, that responsibility only took root the moment that I said yes. Up until that point, I had the power to decide whether this was a responsibility that I was prepared to accept. I had that choice.

This is where the epiphany came into play: Feelings of obligation and expectation do not equate to responsibility.

Just because I feel obliged to do something doesn’t make it my responsibility.

The fact that someone expects something of me doesn’t make it my responsibility.

Making a decision to undertake the task is the only thing that makes it my responsibility.

How many times do we allow this to happen?

For many reasons, we feel a sense of obligation towards certain people. We feel as though expectations are placed upon us. If we’re honest, we see that, sometimes, we place these expectations upon ourselves. We feel as though we have little to no choice in a matter and we assume responsibility for something that we would just rather not do.

We try to create boundaries for ourselves and for our lives, and yet we feel compelled to say yes to things that we have already decided that we would no longer tolerate simply because of who is making the request. We feel as though we cannot say no. We feel as though someone else’s request/wellbeing/success/happiness is somehow our responsibility.

Yes, there will be times that we do things that we do not want to do because we have a genuine desire to help someone. And, yes, depending on who that person is, it may be difficult to enforce the boundaries that we have fought so hard to put in place. If we choose to act, then great! But we have a choice. Feelings of obligation and expectation do not equate to responsibility.

It is not our responsibility to ensure that someone else’s desires are met.

It is not our responsibility to do whatever is asked of us.

It is not our responsibility to protect others from feelings of disappointment at the expense of our own time, energy and resources.

We need to recognise that what others ask of us is not our responsibility until we decide to make it our responsibility.

Regardless of who they are.

Regardless of what they expect.

Regardless of what we may have been programmed to believe.

You are not responsible for fulfilling the expectations that others place upon you.

Feelings of obligation and expectation do not equate to responsibility.