The Meanings We Assign

Although it’s late in the year, September always brings a feeling of newness – no doubt because it marks the start of a new school year. As my little loves navigated many changes this week – some big and some small – I noticed a constant theme underpinning many of our conversations. My little loves are experiencing a lot of newness: new classrooms, new teachers, new personalities, new subjects and, in one instance, a brand new school; one where my little love has suddenly transitioned from one of the oldest students in the school to one of the youngest. I’ve been savouring the conversations with them, deciphering their reports and trying to really get a feel for what they are experiencing and how they are managing it all.

One thing that I’ve found myself saying in various iterations and contexts is this: “Yes, it’s challenging… not because you can’t do it, but because it’s new.”

And I find these words SO important for my little loves to hear. You see, we are meaning-making machines. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are quick to assign meaning to everything we experience, which in turn influences how we see not only the world around us- but also ourselves.

And so when challenges or difficulties arise, our default is to make it mean something about US. We think things like “I’m not good at this” or “This is too hard for me”. We often go straight to what we make the experience mean about US and completely ignore the fact that we are doing something hard or something new.

These thoughts then insidiously translate into subtle beliefs:
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not ready.”
“Everyone else has it together except for me.”

Suddenly, a challenging experience translates into a blow to our self-worth.

And so I’ve purposed over the next few weeks to constantly remind my little loves that these challenges are all a part of the normal experience of life and that, more importantly, the fact that they are hard or different or new has nothing to do with who they are or their ability to navigate them.

That being bad at something in the beginning doesn’t mean that they are a failure.
That not understanding something the first time doesn’t mean that they are stupid.
That having difficulty making friends in a sea of new faces does not mean that they are unlovable.
That getting reprimanded by a new teacher does not mean that they are a bad person.

Maybe we all need to hear this too?

That forgetting a simple task does not mean that we are a hot mess.
That losing our temper on our little one does not mean that we are failing at parenthood.
That feeling scared to try something new does not mean that we’re not ready.
That not having the most experience in the room does not mean that we are not good enough.
That taking our time with grief does not mean that we are languishing.
That needing to heal does not mean that we are broken.
That not being as far along as we think we should be by now does not mean that we are behind.
That not being absolutely perfect, impeccable or flawless in every way does not mean that we are unworthy.

I could go on and on.

An important question that I love to ask is “What am I making this mean?” and more specifically….”What am I making this mean about ME?”

We will soon realise that our perception is rarely absolute truth…

That we feel overwhelmed – not because we are failing, but because we are going through a lot.

That things are challenging – not because we can’t do them, but because they are new.

That we need to take a step back – not because we are incapable, but because we are tired.

That we make mistakes – not because we are stupid, but because we are human.

We are human.
We are human.

Things are new.
Things are challenging.
Things are overwhelming.
We are human.

The truth is in the facts…
not in the meanings we assign.